feeling heartachey
Bit of a vent post, more sad than anything, feel free to skip. Kinda nsfw maybe?
Feeling a bit odd this morning, took me a minute to unpack exactly what was wrong. At first I thought I was just in a 'get me pregnant' kinda mood, which is a bit more lewd, and not uncommon. But it didn't feel right, I felt like I more wanted that kind of desire directed at me.
I thought about it and found that what I actually feel is like I need spontaneous unconditional affection and intimacy. Spontaneous as in I don't need to ask for it, someone does this because it's what they want to do. I think a few times recently, not just in an intimacy. That desire for someone to reach out of their own accord. To know someone is thinking about me and cares. Not even really in response to anything, just because they care and want to.
I can see how I initially considered this a need for physical intimacy, and obviously that would be nice in it's own way, but it feels more akin to loneliness now that I unpack it. But the kind of loneliness where you want someone else to care, you want someone to come to you and take a genuine interest without expecting anything in return.
I wonder if these feeling took root at work the other day, when I approached the pharmacist and asked about something they were passionate about, just because I wanted to. I probably didn't realize at the time how wonderful it would be to have someone take an interest in me in that way. It's hard for me to not consider this greedy in some way, maybe it is. I don't know, I'm kinda losing this train of thought.
Think I just want to be wanted, and to be shown that without having to request it. And having to ask for it makes me feel sad, like I'm not worth thinking about unless I put in the effort. I know the thought 'no one cares' has crept into my head a bit more lately. And I know that isn't true. But it does make me sad when it feels like things have to be going catastrophically wrong for me to be worth thinking about.
I dunno, I just feel selfish, but I dunno. I don't feel like I'm asking for anything I don't already give freely. Sad.