hateful mood
Super selfish stupid rant, just skip.
I'm so tired of just being fucking unhappy. After all the garbage I've been through and all the stress still bearing down on me I'm just so mad. And I hate that I suck at expressing it. I don't yell, I don't tell anyone off for how they treat me, I just store it all up inside because I'm not allowed to express my anger at all or I'm the problem. It sucks.
I was waiting for today because I was excited to finally spend some time with my partner after a hellish week, and they've just been asleep all day. But when they have one rough day I'm helping take care of them and doing everything in my power to help them feel better. But when I've spend hundreds of dollars on my car and lost my job? Nah I can take care of myself I guess, no need to care about me at all.
This is always how it is too. Anyone in my life I give all my attention and make sure they know they're cared about and loved, but when I hope to have that reciprocated at all I'm just left there. I'll never forget when I was celebrating all my friends birthdays and planning things so they would have a nice special day, and when my birthday came around it was silent. I don't know why it's like this, I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or something but I'm so fucking unhappy.
I always talk about how I need to be more assertive, but I swear sometimes I think I just need to be more rude. I feel completely fucking invisible sometimes and I want to fucking scream. I want to fucking rip into someone when they ignore me and ask them who the fuck they think they are that they can just fucking gloss over someone who has given them all the respect in the world.
I'm in such a fuck everyone mood. All I want to do is celebrate people, but when I hope for even a second someone will acknowledge me I'm always disappointed. So fuck everyone, who cares. I'm the fucking best. I got given an ultimatum at my job and I got a job offer for a new job in three fucking days. I do everything I can to help and be kind and give people respect and don't get any of that, and I'm going to keep being kind cause apparently no one else knows how to fucking do that. I'm not able to be mean and raise my voice and be hateful, and if anyone deserves to be able to do that it's me.
I can go through hell and no one will give a damn, so I guess I'll get through hell alone.